Courage is magical!

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I believe courage is the single most critical ingredient for achieving great things. It is the key to achieving our dreams and aspirations.

Yes, knowledge, experience, credentials, skills and a good plan or strategy are important too. However, I have seen more people fail to achieve their dreams and aspirations because they gave up along the way than people who went all-out all the way and fell short.

Courage comes in many forms, expressions and styles. Sometimes, standing for what we believe and fully expressing ourselves with a loud and assertive voice is an act of courage. But, sometimes, remaining thoughtful and calm in the face of turmoil, or being vulnerable, or listening to other’s views with openness and generosity requires courage too.

Being Courageous is very different than being Fearless. It does not mean we are without fear. In fact, courage is most opportune when we are most afraid.  As Nelson Mandela said:

“I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear.”

If anyone knew something about courage, it was Nelson Mandela.

The good news is that we all have the innate ability to be courageous. We have the ability to bring forth courage and live by it every moment and day of our life, no matter what our circumstances are.

What we often seem to underestimate is just how powerful and magical courage really is, so we don’t fully bet on it.

Early in my career when I was struggling with achieving my sales goals, my mentor at the time told me something that impacted my entire life thereafter. He said, “If you do the right thing for long enough eventually you will get the outcome you want.” I believed him, and, it worked. I became the most productive and successful sales leader in the company. I have experienced this first principle time and time again in multiple areas of my own life and the lives of others.

If we are willing to be courageous, take a stand for what we want and then start living, acting and behaving consistently with our stand, sooner or later the universe supports and lines up with our stand.

When we avoid taking a stand, we often feel lost, ineffective and uncertain about what direction to pursue, what to work on and how to proceed. We often fall into a waiting mode, hoping that someone else or something external will make things clear for us. We sometimes ask ourselves “what should we do?” as if there is a right answer. Or we compare ourselves to others, looking to emulate or surpass them. This often leaves us chasing “should” dreams that we don’t genuinely feel passionate about.

People often ask me, “How do I know what is right for me and what I should take on?” Alan Kay, ex-Apple fellow, answered this most clearly and powerfully. He said:

“The best way to predict the future is to invent it!”

He meant, we just need to take a stand. Even if we only have a sense of what we want, we should take a stand.

Taking a stand requires Courage. It seems that most people avoid taking a stand because they are afraid of the consequences, not because they have no idea of what they want. They know what they want, but question or doubt their ability and fortune to achieve it.

When we face new or daunting opportunities and/or challenges, we often need to just take one little step at a time. Eleanor Roosevelt gave a very practical and powerful recommendation for how to do that. She said:

“Do one thing every day that scares you!”

This is a great way to practice being courageous. Try this out and see what you discover.

I have written many things about the topic of courage. In fact, this is why I named my blog Leading and Living Courageously. I encourage you to read some of my blogs from the last year. To mention a few: “Be careful what you wish for” and “Empowering quotes about courage.”

 

What is the source of your personal energy? Part 1

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People often ask me how I maintain such a high level of energy in my life all the time. The questions that often follow are “what are you on?” or “is it something in your drink?”

Well, I do take vitamins and I do love to drink a lot of water and green tea. However, I am quite sure they are not the source of my high energy.

High energy comes naturally to me, partly because of my personality, but mostly because of a few practices and ways of being that I have adopted, internalized and integrated into my life. They are:

  1. Maintaining a physical lifestyle that supports wellbeing and high energy.
  2. Having a positive, optimistic and empowering outlook to everything.
  3. Making sure all my relationships are in communication and complete.
  4. Being clear about who I am and what my higher purpose is.

I meet people all the time who have different personalities and styles than I do but are also naturally highly energetic.

I believe that when we live life the “right way” people naturally have a lot of personal energy.

So, I want to share my thoughts and experiences about the source of personal energy. In this blog, I am focusing on the first practice that directly affects our level of our personal energy. In future blogs I’ll elaborate on the other practices.

Practice One: Maintain a physical lifestyle that supports wellbeing and high energy.

Eat in a healthy and nurturing way: There are so many different types of eating regimes that work. And, there are also many that don’t work. The secret is to find the healthy eating habit that works for you and stick to it. Never put yourself in a situation that you feel deprived of food. Find the eating habits that you could enjoy for the rest of your life. If your eating habits make you gain weight all the time, they are the wrong habits. In contrast, if your eating habits make you lose too much weight or make you feel faint, those are the wrong ones, too. Lastly, make sure your eating habits feed your body, but also make sure they feed your soul. If you love how you eat so you could do it for the rest of your life and it is keeping your body in good shape and form – you probably have a winner!

Exercise on a regular basis: Again, there are so many different styles of exercise that work – from running, to weight lifting, to cycling to yoga. Find the one that appeals to you and make it an integral part of your life. If you are injuring yourself all the time, adjust or change your exercise regime or intensity. I was a passionate runner for most of my life until I got injured and couldn’t continue to run. I was devastated, as running had a meditative and spiritual effect on me. It also fueled my life with a lot of energy. My wife introduced me to Ashtanga Yoga and at first I reluctantly took it on. But, fortunately, I fell madly in love with it and I am today as passionate and obsessive about it as I was about running.

Manage your body weight and other health parameters: There are different schools of thought about body fat, weight-to-height ratios, BMI and other health parameters. I use some of them but I am not an expert in these, nor am I a doctor or healthcare professional. I also don’t weigh myself very often. What I do know, however is that when I love how my body feels and looks, and how my clothes fit me, I have much more energy than when I feel sluggish, bloated, overweight or bursting at the seams.

A physically healthy lifestyle is very basic, however it is very powerful, and when adhered to it really works! Unfortunately, many people, even though they understand its importance, and want this, they don’t live this way.

I hear so many people say things like: “I am addicted to carbs and sweets” or “I am not the exercising type.” Neither statements are factual or true. To be rigorous, they are disempowering conversations that people entertain and buy into. The good news is that with the right amount of commitment anyone can invent new, more empowering and supportive paradigms.

I have found from my own experience that when I maintain a physical lifestyle and body that supports my commitments in life, I naturally have a lot of energy all the time.

I was recently standing in line to board a plane and a gentleman beside me had a T-shirt on that said “Everyone wants to be famous, but no one is willing to do the work.” I chuckled and thought to myself “there is so much truth in that!”

If you replace the word “famous” with “healthy” or “energized,” the logic is still true. The conclusion is clear – if you want to have high energy in your life naturally and all the time – do what works!

Are you willing to be empowered?

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There is a great quote by Marianne Williamson:

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that frightens us most.”

Are you willing to be empowered?

This may seem like an odd question to ask. Who wouldn’t want to be Great? Perhaps it’s not as straightforward as it seems.

It is my life’s purpose and focus to ignite, energize and empower people. In fact, it’s my job, and most of it takes place in the workplace. In my work I get so many opportunities to empower people; remind them of who they are and how great and able they can be. When people are empowered in the workplace, it spills over into other areas of their life – work, marriage, parenthood, family, and social circles.

But I have noticed that often people are not that eager to become empowered; Despite what they say they don’t seem to be interested in experiencing themselves as powerful, great, resourceful, and larger than their circumstances.

The logic is clear: if you accept yourself as enabled and unstoppable, you are admitting that you have the capability to create and produce much more than you do today. If you are unempowered you have less opportunity in front of you, and more excuses for why you can’t do things. You experience yourself as smaller than your problems, so you always have a way out.  You do not challenge yourself to change or think beyond your comfort zone. This is an easier and safer way to live.

However, if you become empowered, if you begin living courageously, you have to bring innovation and resourcefulness to all aspects of your life. This could be scary.

However, the cost of staying unempowered is dear.  Self expression and confidence are eroded. And there is a constant feeling that “maybe I am missing out on something. Maybe I’m not living to my full potential.”

By simply confronting the benefits and costs of living unempowered, you regain your ability to choose. You begin to see that it is possible to choose courageous living, and to stand confidently in your self-expression.

Being great and empowered will always require boldness, it will always be an endeavor full of risk and uncertainty. However, living out loud also comes with tremendous sense of fulfillment and self-actualization.

You should ask yourself: “How powerful am I willing to be?”

How to regain your motivation

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I was coaching someone the other day who is generally a highly committed and passionate person. He is also someone who has historically dedicated himself to big commitments and self-improvement. I was coaching him because somewhere along the way he got stuck and deteriorated into a state of resignation and suffering.

When I asked him to share what had happened he said, “I have lost my motivation.”

Over the years, I have supported so many committed people who have experienced this same sensation of feeling stuck. I have also struggled through it myself. So, I want to dedicate this blog to the question: “how do you find your motivation when you have lost it?”

Part of the problem is that most people don’t understand where motivation comes from so when they “lose it,” they look in the wrong place to find it. As a result, it takes a long time for them to get back on the horse.

Most people wait, expect and hope for external things to motivate them – more money, a promotion, good news, success at work and/or someone “inspirational” who will compel them and put them back in touch with who they really are and their passion and self-expression.

Others refer to themselves as “self-motivated.” They try to always bring a positive, optimistic outlook and spirit to everything. This is very powerful. But, even the self-motivated sometimes slump. In fact, I have found that those who are most passionate and committed when they are in their high points tend to be the ones who crash and burn the hardest when they fall or get stuck. I know this because I have been there a few times in my own journey.

When you are stuck, you can’t rely on your motivation. As my client said, “I have lost my motivation.” You have to rely on your word.

What does that mean? You have to say what you’ll do and do what you say.

The two sides of my instructions are key. First part: you have to say what you will do, explicitly. If you don’t say what you will do, you will not do anything. If you say vague and wishy-washy things, you will take vague and wishy-washy actions. In reality this means no action.

When you are stuck, don’t declare or set your objectives and outcomes. Only promise specific short-term actions you will take with specific deadlines. Box yourself in day by day, say what you will do and do what you say. Follow this routine until you start generating a momentum of success in that motion.

The second part I already mentioned above: do what you say, no matter how you feel about it. This means: go through the motions if needed, fake it till you make it and/or do what you say even if it feels mechanical and inauthentic.

The more you do that, the more you will recover your word and your ability to determine your destiny and future. Even if your promises only on a short-term basis at first, you will ultimately begin to regain your power and self-confidence. This will quickly lead to higher energy and motivation, and enable you to promise bigger things and deliver them.

Motivation and action are like the chicken and the egg. They feed, fuel and inspire each other. When you are at the top of your game, your motivation inspires your action. That is the time to declare your vision, commitments and what you stand for, set goals and act spontaneously.

But, when you are stuck, promising what you will do and doing it will get you unstuck and back on track for your motivation and commitment. You will regain your integrity and recover your motivation and power. That is how you “find your motivation.”

It may sound too simple, but it really works.

Bring your full self-expression to work

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In one of my earlier blogs I shared about the story of a client friend who described his work as his “8 hour inconvenience.”

Almost every week as I work with teams of all levels around the globe, I encounter a similar team dynamic: people being hesitant to express themselves boldly and passionately, especially when dealing with the sensitive issues, challenges and topics that frustrate them and stifle their productivity and effectiveness.

In fact, in most teams, bold and courageous communication is often replaced by resignation, fear and a victim mentality.  It’s not that people are cowards. It’s that in organizational settings, even courageous people tend to play a more safe and politically correct game.

I understand the root cause of this dynamic. Pretty much everyone I talk to in organizations has seen others attempt to drive change only to be blocked by people in position of authority who didn’t like the ideas. In many cases, people have personally experienced this dynamic themselves.

Most people would acknowledge that there are two basic reasons that hold them back from speaking up in meetings. They are either afraid to rock the boat and/or get into trouble, or they feel resigned about their ability to change the outcome and direction.

But, if people spend such a big portion of their life at work, how can they transform this disempowering existence? Most people spend more than 8 hours a day at work. For many, 12 hours a day is the standard.

Why can’t our work be our “12 hour bliss?” or “12 hour self expression?”

I think it can and it should!

There are a few simple things you can do right away to ensure you have bliss at work:

First, make sure you have a challenge or project at work that you genuinely love. People always rise to the occasion and express themselves with passion and enthusiasm when they are working toward a future they love, or when they are a part of a team and game that they feel committed to, and passionate about. In fact, if the game you love playing requires self-expression, passion and courage, you will be hard pressed to not rise to the occasion and passionately apply yourself.

Unfortunately, Corporate America is filled with good managers and employees who have been uninspired by what they do for so long they have stopped expecting to have bliss at work. Because they are so proficient in their jobs, they can perform them sufficiently without bringing their A game to work. They can do an acceptable job on “autopilot.”

Here is a potential self-assessment checklist you could use for working on loving your job:

  1. I believe in the purpose, end goal and activities of my job or project.
  2. I have a deep, respectful and trusting relationship with my boss, all my team members, and all my customers.
  3. I feel I can bring up and address any/all important issues and topics.
  4. I see how my direct work is impacting the bigger organizational success.
  5. I feel I have a powerful platform to make a significant difference.
  6. I feel my hard work and commitment are known, valued and recognized.
  7. I feel excited to return to work on Monday after the weekend.

Rate each item from 0 (low) to 5 (high) and then find your average. If you score 0-1 it probably means “you don’t love your job”. If you score 2-3 it probably means “you own your job” and if your score 4-5 it probably means “you love your job”.

If you don’t love what you do and you can’t get there, make sure you can at least genuinely accept, own or choose it. Your work can be nurturing even if you don’t love it. But, you have to at least make the explicit mental choice to choose and own it.

If you can’t even do that, you should leave your job. It is painful to come to work every day to do a job you don’t love or own. If you don’t make a change, you are bound to eventually become apathetic, resigned or cynical.

The only reason people stay in a job they don’t love is because they don’t believe in or trust their ability to find and/or create a greater job they do love. So, by taking action to find your dream job, you are in essence taking a stand about your greatness and your ability to create a blissful life.

I have seen many people muster up courage and change jobs, companies and even careers in order to find self-expression and bliss. Many of them had fears and anxiety about making the move. But, in all cases, people found a job they loved or at least genuinely owned. And, their action also made a significant difference in their experience of themselves.

You can promise the uncertain

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You can promise the uncertain

Can you promise an outcome that you don’t know how to fulfill or that you don’t own and control all the aspects that are needed in order to fulfill it?

My answer is yes! In fact, I think in many cases, these type of promises are the ones most worth making because they often reflect our aspirational dreams and game changers.

When Kennedy promised that the USA would put a man on the moon and get him back safely by the end of the century, NASA didn’t exist. In fact, all of the key technologies and materials needed to achieve Kennedy’s lofty vision didn’t exist. But, by making the promise, Kennedy ushered in a new era of dialogue and collaboration among the different space related agencies to achieve this “impossible” goal. Kennedy’s declaration stimulated a new level of innovation, which eventually positioned the USA as the leader in space exploration. This endeavor also contributed to numerous technological advancements in other fields.

Kennedy’s declaration is a very famous example of making a promise without knowing exactly how to fulfill it. But, if you think about it, we all do this all the time.

For example: every time a man and woman say “I do” and commit to spending the rest of their lives together in love and harmony, they are in essence promising something they don’t fully know how to fulfill.

In organizations when clients request or expect higher quality, lower cost and faster delivery, people rise to the occasion and go out of their way to figure out how to provide this out of the ordinary outcome.

We all make ambitious and uncertain promises that we don’t know how to keep all the time, so why are we so afraid and reluctant to proactively do so?

It is because as human beings we are fundamentally rooted in the past. We behave as if the past is the only indicator of what is possible or impossible in the future. I find that most of us live this way for the majority of the time.

That’s why people often say things like “this project is going to be really hard,” “It’s going to take me a long time to gain their trust,” and “we can’t double the numbers in one year.”

We have all witnessed that the things that seem most certain often don’t turn out that way. And, what seems most unlikely often does happen. Rationally, this means that what we may consider possible/likely or impossible/unlikely are not facts at all.

Nevertheless, even though our reality has been shaken by themany times, the past seems to still have a firm grip on our view. This is what makes us uncomfortable to make promises about what we don’t know how to fulfill.

There is a different paradigm of thinking available to us that is rooted in the future. There are many variations on this way of thinking, but all of them represent the idea that our actions and behaviors are more driven by the future we are anticipating, than by our past.

If we commit to an aspirational future state that is desirable and believable, even if we don’t know how to achieve it just yet, we will invest our hearts and souls in pursuing it and figuring out how to fulfill it.

I am reminded of something I learned early on in my career from one of my mentors that has repeatedly proven to be true: “if you do the right thing for long enough, you will always get the outcome you desire.” Unfortunately, I see too many people failing to achieve their dreams more because of lack of trying (or giving up too quickly) then because of giving it their all and falling short.

The distinction believable is very important here. It’s the bridge between the past and the future. If what we promise is not believable, it will live as a pipedream and we won’t pursue it. If it is too believable – i.e., predictable—it won’t be inspiring even if we do pursue it. Believable, predicable and pipedream are not facts. They are paradigms that we can choose to adopt in order to transform our minds.

And, of course courage is a key component.

As per one of Goethe’s couplets: “Whatever you can do or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power and magic in it.”

So, if you want to take your personal or professional life to the next level, promise something bold and inspiring that is desirable and believable and go for it. It may not go the way you think it should. But, if you stay with it you may be surprised by what you accomplish.

And, as I always tell people at the end “Even when you are doing all the right things leave a bit of room for miracles and luck.”

What is your identity wrapped up in?

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I was speaking to a client who recently retired as a senior executive in a well-known global telecommunication company. We have become friends over the years of working together and he was sharing with me his initial experience of retired life, and what he had learned so far about how to have a successful retirement.

One of the things he pointed to was that in order to have a successful retirement, we need to be able to disassociate ourselves from our past professional title, status and position. While this is certainly true for executives, I believe it is relevant for everyone.

After our conversation, I was thinking to myself that doing this might be easier said than done.

First Story: At the age of eighteen, I was drafted for my army service. I spent the first four months in intense basic training. In our platoon, there was a clear hierarchy and pecking order. The Sargent was feared, the Second Lieutenant, our direct officer, was admired and the Captain, head of our company, was revered.

After almost five years of service, I retired from the military service as a captain and continued on to my professional life. Four years later, I was a successful consultant in an international training company.

One day as I was entering an office building on my way to a client engagement, I bumped into my ex-Captain from my basic training.

My heart skipped a beat. Even though I was a successful twenty-seven-year-old married consultant, in an instant, I was transferred in time. And for an instant, I was transformed into an eighteen-year-old apprehensive private in awe of his God-like Captain figure.

Thank God I snapped out of it in time to be able to reminisce with the man who was standing before me as a full grown adult.

Second Story: I was employed by an international training and consulting company for fifteen years. It was my first job in life and just like in the army, I rose through the ranks very rapidly, progressing from a junior position and title to a senior executive position and title. At the height of my employment, I felt at the top of the world. I was highly regarded by the CEO and all the senior executives of the company and I was often invited to participate in company-wide events.

But, one day I decided to move on. It was a tough decision as my entire identity was associated with this enterprise. I lived the first fifteen years of my professional life in that company. I became who I was in that company.

I left the company and found myself in an identity crisis. I was questioning: “Am I really successful and great or was it just inside that company?”

Thankfully, the story has a great continuation. Fast-forward seventeen years; I have become a successful business owner consultant.

Our identity often does seem to be wrapped up in our professional and social title and status, as well as what comes with it.

In today’s world being a “celebrity” or “VIP” means something. People generally seem to be much more in need of external validation. Title and status make us feel more important. It increases our self-worth.

I travel a lot so every year I want to reach the highest frequent flyer status, as well as the highest status in certain hotel chains that I like. Yes, it’s because of the added perks and convenience, as well as the special attention I get when I fly and/or walk into a hotel. However, if I have, to be honest, it also strokes my ego and makes me feel more special. It is part of what shapes my identity.

In conversations with colleagues and executives the question of “how many miles have you flown this year?” or “what status are you in this hotel or airline?” comes up a lot.

Even though some people say “title and status don’t matter,” In most corporate environments, formal and informal title and status are very relevant. People tend to bring the topic up when they feel insecure or when they feel others are not giving them the respect their title and status entitles them. But, the self-consciousness around title and status seems to always be on alert.

I mention the military and corporate America environment because these are two sizable environments that have a great deal of impact on people’s identity.

I have had the opportunity to coach high-ranking officers in their transition from long military careers to civilian life. In many cases, this was a challenging transition from an identity standpoint.

So, when my retired client and friend shared his insight with me, it made me think about my own identity and how easy or hard it will be for me to disassociate myself from my past professional title, status and position when the time comes.

I guess that is why we often have to remind and encourage each other that “There is life after whatever we are doing today.”

Make a fresh start in 2015

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I love new beginnings. Starting a new year, chapter or phase brings with it new possibilities and hope.

Whether we want to improve our financial situation, increase our health or fitness, or simply find true love or the dream job, at the start of a new cycle we often feel that we are given another chance to realize our goals—including those we tried but didn’t achieve before. I find this space of opportunity extremely empowering and exciting.

However, in order to truly experience a fresh start we have to understand and accept the fact that new possibilities and hope exist in our own heart and mind, not in the circumstances and world out there. In fact, our ability to realize a fresh start depends on how we think and what we say. The only person who can give us a fresh start and new beginning is our self.

For example: I have a friend who has had his share of challenging circumstances. Every time I ask him how he is doing he says something to the effect of “Same day different shit!” When I talk with my friend about new possibilities and try to help him change his predicament, he is quick to push back and explain to me again and again how things just can’t be different given his circumstances. I haven’t given up on him yet, but I am definitely less inclined to engage in these conversations any longer.

Another example: in my corporate work, I often encounter people who say they are open minded but when others try to enroll them in new possibilities, they are quick to push back and provide all the reasons for why these new ideas won’t work. They refer to their point of view as pragmatic, realistic, or merely giving an accurate account of the way things are. But, most other people around them experience them as skeptical, cynical, closed-minded or often simply negative.

Sometimes in order to create a fresh start we need to let go of old perceptions about ourselves, the world, and/or those around us—especially the perceptions that have constrained our ability to improve our self or our circumstances. Sometime we need to forgive others or ourselves for past mistakes and shortfalls that we are still holding on to, or holding a grudge about. And, sometimes we simply need to change our point of view, interpretation or conclusion about past events from disempowering to empowering.

During the Christmas, break I saw the recent Woody Allen movie Magic in the Moonlight. It was a fun movie with a relevant motif to this blog. The story is about an arrogant conjuror who goes on a mission to unmask a woman posing as a mystic, who is a possible fraud. After failing to find flaw in her method the conjuror drops his cynicism and begins to believe, with a elated sense of joy, that there is more to life than meets the cynic eye … and, of course, he falls in love with the beautiful mystic woman. When later in the story the conjuror discovers that the mystic is indeed a fraud, he finds it hard to go back to his cynical views and ways because he realizes that his short-lived bliss was based on his own attitude change from cynical to optimistic, even when founded on a false premise.

In order to create a new beginning, we should also not be shy about explicitly, clearly and boldly declaring what we want and what we will achieve in the new year. The notion of striving and working toward a future state that we are looking forward to and are excited about today makes a big difference.

I wish us all a great 2015.

Photo by: Fitz Crittle

Does retirement still make sense?

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I recently read an intriguing statistic about retirement: “people who retire at 55 are 60% more likely to pass away within 10 years of retiring than people who retire at 65.”

Intuitively, this makes sense. Many people work hard for years, looking forward to a distant future when they will retire and finally begin to live their real lives. And yet, when they get there, they are ill-equipped for this sudden, dramatic change in their daily routine. When confronted with all the time in the world to play golf, they feel as if they have fallen off a cliff.

All the sacrifices people make throughout their working lives do not seem to guarantee happiness and prosperity – often because a person’s identity has been so closely wrapped up with what they do, rather than who they are. When they reach the “promised land” of retirement, it doesn’t take long before they start reminiscing about “the good old days.”

This is a real shame. When do we take the time to savor, to enjoy, and to be passionate about what we are doing? If anything needs to retire, it’s the legacy mindset that drives this behavior! Look around: when people love what they do, the idea of stopping solely because they have reached some arbitrary age is not only unwise, it is unhealthy.

Retirement stems from a time when work was by definition physical and hard. The body reached a point where it was no longer capable of continuing – and there was an imperative to make way for younger people. But work in knowledge economies is increasingly based on what people know, and what they can produce using their imagination, heart, and commitment.

Times have changed: age doesn’t matter for most knowledge activities. In fact, the experience, wisdom, and networks that come with age are considerable assets. As a result a person’s ability to continue doing something that excites and motivates them is virtually unlimited, even for those who have not been accustomed to this type of thinking. And, the fact that people are living longer is only making this point of view more relevant.

Think about it: if you are doing what you love, if you love what you’re doing, you never need to retire. Instead of looking forward to retirement as a time to “get off the train,” you could look to it as time to change gears and explore new exciting directions. Instead of running away from something you could run toward something.

How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you were? No matter where you are, or who you are, you have the ability to think differently. It takes courage but it’s our birthright and an innate ability. Instead of retiring from something, you could choose to create something new that excites you. A wise friend once told me that in order to stay young longer, you have to be up to something and stay engaged with people. The traditional idea of retirement seems to contradict that.

Consider what your future would look like without the word “retirement” in it at all. This would be a very different relationship to aging.

The more controlling you are the less control you have

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Most managers who micromanage their employees suppress their spirit and performance.

Employee’s performance is directly tied to their sense of ownership, commitment, and accountability for the success of their organization. Their passion, ownership, commitment and accountability are reduced when they feel distrusted, disrespected and under-valued from a leadership and/or professional standpoint by their manager.

By micromanaging their people, managers generate an environment of compliance and fear. And that typically cause people to play it safe and “cover their behinds” instead of stepping up and going beyond the call of duty to take ownership, risk and initiative.

Managers who are consumed with micromanaging their employees are focused on the wrong things. Instead, they should be providing leadership and confidence to their team by identifying their next strategic objectives, inspiring their employees to take them on, and ensuring that the organization has the wherewithal to execute them.

In fact, micromanagement puts in motion a self-fulfilling prophecy: The manager relates to his people as uncommitted, incompetent and/or unreliable. The people in turn play it safe and don’t take ownership, risk and accountability. This confirms the manager’s view and he continues to micromanage.

The issue lies with the manager. Most managers who micromanage and control their people do it beause of their own insecurity and fear of failure, and not because their employees are ,in fact, incompetent or uncommitted.

In order to strike the appropriate balance between being on top of things and not hovering over their people, managers must put the following building blocks in place and manage them effectively:

  •  They must build a team that they trust in terms of commitment and competency. And they must establish a dynamic of authentic, honest and courageous communication within their team.
  • They must align their team members around their vision of the future – a clear vision and/or set of objectives that all team members clearly understand and are on the same page about; a future that everyone feels genuinely passionate about, committed to and accountable for, as their own.
  • They must orient their team members around results and deliverables rather than tasks and activities in order to build an environment of real accountability (accountability can only exist when there are clear measurable results to manage).
  • They must ensure that roles, accountabilities, expectations and processes are completely clear to all team members, in order to eliminate the chance of ambiguity, excuses or mischief in this regard.
  • Lastly, they must put in place a simple and effective mechanism and process for tracking all key commitments, deliverables and promised results on a monthly and quarterly basis in order to eliminate confusion or lack of accountability. They should structure their executive team as the cabinet accountable for the achievement of the collective future (not just ‘each to their own’), hence dedicate monthly or quarterly team meetings to track and review progress.

If someone is not performing up to an agreed-upon standard or expectation, managers must be willing to have a straight and honest conversation that either elevates the individual to a higher level of performance, or makes it clear that someone else needs to be brought in to do the job.

If the manager has built a strong team dynamic of honest communication and authentic ownership toward his future there will be no need for micromanagement because his team members will be operating in a very powerful and responsible way toward making results happen.

In the absence of real ownership and honesty no amount of micromanagement will be effective anyway.

Are you asking for what you want?

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You would think that asking for what you want would be the easiest thing in the world to do. But it isn’t! I see so many people struggling with this.

In my coaching work I often ask people, “So, what do you want?” or “what do you want the outcome to be?” or “what do you want to accomplish?” Many people, when confronted with this direct question, find it hard to spit out a clear answer. Some say, “I know what I want” but when they attempt to describe it they get caught up in a long-winded conceptual description that is very confusing and vague even to them. A few simple follow-up questions such as, “what do you mean by that?” or “how would you know that you achieved that?” are often enough to make people realise they really don’t know what they want.

When people work on articulating their personal collective objectives they often say things like, “We should do this” or “We have to do that.” But, saying “We/I should” is not the same as “We/I want.”  In fact, it is much easier and less powerful to say “We/I should” than “We/I want.” “We/I want” is a declaration. “We/I should” is a description. When we say “We/I want,” we are staking ourselves to the outcome. We are putting our desire at stake. We are making it personal.

Some people suffer from guilt when it comes to declaring what they want. They feel it is arrogant or greedy to want too much or to want certain things. They refrain from explicitly and directly expressing their dreams and desires. Some are so afraid to get a “no!” to their request that they avoid asking altogether. They just convince themselves that “it’s not worth it” to ask. Some people were brought up that it is impolite to directly ask for what you want. If their meal in a restaurant is not served the way they like it or their hotel room is not what they wanted, they will suffer quietly and won’t say anything about it. Some may even have deeper demons. They feel they are not good enough or worthy of having what they really want. So, they stop dreaming altogether.

Some people feel that what they really aspire for and desire is too big, unrealistic and out of their reach. Their mindset is “what’s the point of going after things that are not realistic,” “why set myself up for failure, disappointment and heart break?” So, they make sure to set their desires and expectations low enough in order to not risk failure.

There is also a spiritual aspect to this. The law of attraction, which became popular through Oprah’s show says that people who explicitly express and ask for what they want would become more effective at achieving their desires.

In one of my previous blogs “3 Empowering Quotes About Courage” I wrote about the power of taking a stand. That is a very powerful way to ask for what you want.

It takes courage to dream and believe it. It takes courage to declare what we want, ask for it and pursue it. Yes, we may fail or fall short and that could be disappointing and perhaps upsetting.

Unfortunately, I have seen too many people fail to achieve their goals even in basic areas such as getting a dream job, a promotion or relationship simply because they held back and avoided directly expressing what they want. In my experience, people who repeatedly declared what they want eventually achieved their desired results, or at least a similar, satisfactory result.

Which way would you rather live?

 

 

We sentence ourselves in our sentences

/in

I learned many years ago that how we think and speak about ourselves and others determines the space and mood we live in. Speaking, thinking and even feeling are really very similar in nature. They all involve having a conversation. Thinking and feeling are speaking with yourself. We wouldn’t really know how we feel if we didn’t say to our self “I am sad”, “I am scared” or “I am angry.” And speaking is verbalizing our conversations to others in an interaction.

In the world of conversation, there are two types of conversations: empowering and undermining. Engaging in empowering conversations make us bigger, stronger and more energized. Engaging in undermining conversations, obviously, make us more circumstantial, resigned and cynical.

Sometime the distinction between the empowering and undermining is bluntly clear. For example if someone thinks or says: “I am not good enough,” “I am not smart enough,” or “I will never have a really great marriage or career,” that is obviously a disempowering belief. But, if someone thinks or says: “achieving my project is going to be really hard,” or “its going to take me a really long time to realize my dream,” it may not be as apparent that this too is an undermining paradigm.

One of the reasons why we keep engaging in thoughts and conversations that have a negative impact on us is we don’t do a good job telling facts apart from interpretations. We often engage in undermining conversations about past events, present situations and future possibilities as if we are merely innocently reporting on facts, while in reality everything we are thinking and saying is purely our interpretation.

In fact, many times we set ourselves up for invalidation when we take on an aspirational goal. If we fall short in achieving it, we get sucked into self-deprecating thoughts and feelings about the goal and ourselves.

For example, I have seen people who wanted to better themselves set a bold objective of doubling their income, but ended up achieving 70% of their goal. Even though their achievement was still admirable, they said things like: “What was I thinking” or “I shouldn’t have taken on such a big goal.” I have seen this with many types of goals.

The vicious circle of undermining conversations thickens when we add uncomplimentary conclusions and assign subtle negative meaning to these events. Many times I heard people say things like: “I am just unlucky,” or “Someone like me can’t have that type of success.” These comments are often subtle, but they are harmful. We forget that we are the ones who made up the game in the first place. (Many references to the vague “people.” Do you have a specific story that could work here?)

Furthermore, the way we express our conversations is also often disempowering. When people refer to yesterday’s shortfalls, they often say: “I am failing with this result” or “this is not working” rather than “I failed to achieve this result last month” or “it didn’t work last time.” The first implies “I am a failure,” hence most likely I won’t ever succeed. The other implies “I failed in last month’s goal,” which means nothing about my ability to achieve it in the future. In fact, the second allows us to learn from our shortfall and identify what could be changed, corrected and/or improved in order to succeed in the future.

Lastly, any type of conversation in any area of our life with an explicit or implicit reference to “I am not good enough,” “something is wrong with me,” or “I should be different,” is untrue and more important harmful and destructive.

So, how do we get free from these undermining cycles?

  1. Develop your self-awareness around conversations.
  2. Become aware of the self-deprecating mechanism outlined here, by catching yourself in real-time when you entertain undermining conversations.
  3. Start telling the difference between facts and interpretations.
  4. When you feel, think or say things ask yourself – “is this empowering or disempowering me? You will be able to tell by how you feel about the conversation.
  5. Make sure you are clear that your interpretations no matter how valid they may be, are not true or facts.
  6. When you acknowledge an undermining feeling, thought, or conversations, have the courage to say to yourself “thank you for sharing” and don’t buy into that conversation.
  7. Instead, create an equally valid conversation that does empower you.

The more you practice this the better you will become at it.

Enjoy the ride.