For this week’s post we interviewed Russell Bishop, Huffington Post editor, columnist and author of the new book Workarounds That Work: How to Conquer Anything That Stands in Your Way at Work, about the art of listening.
Q. What makes someone a good listener?
A. Most people speak and listen with the tip of the iceberg. What I mean by that is the speaker talks about what’s at the tip, but they know all the ice that is underneath. The listener hears the tip and assumes it’s all of the ice.
Q. How can a listener get to the ice, so to speak?
A. To begin with, you need to ask yourself whether you are listening to understand or just preparing to speak. Listening requires inquiry. Once you have heard the tip of the iceberg, you come back and let the speaker know, “Here’s what I heard,” or, “It seems like you might be saying X. What else am I missing?” The listener needs to work from the presumption that the speaker has told you something for which there is a greater depth you have yet to perceive.
Q. How does inquiry differ from active listening?
A. We have all been through some form of active listening course — and we have all been the victim of someone who has been through one of those courses. The problem with active listening is that you can quote back exactly what the person said to you, but not really understand any of it. When you practice inquiry, you might say the words back but with the intention of making certain you understand – not just that you heard the words. Then you are asking the person:
- Tell me more?
- That’s interesting. What else?
- This is what I’m hearing. What am I missing?
Q. People don’t seem very skilled at inquiry. Why do you think that is?
A. The other side of inquiry is advocacy. We are trained from an early age in schools to pick a point of view and put forth an argument about its validity. This happens when we write papers, speak in front of a group, debate, give a speech, etc. So we are highly trained in advocacy, but not inquiry. That’s where the breakdown occurs.
Q. Do you think high performers practice more inquiry?
A. Yes. Seeking to understand before moving forward is key to listening, and high performers naturally assume that they are missing something and want to find out what that is and build on it. High performers know that it does you no harm to assume that something is missing.
Q. How does this type of listening impact high performance overall?
A. When inquiry is being practiced by the listener, the speaker won’t feel defensive because nothing is coming at them. Because of this, the speaker will be more relaxed, and, as any athlete can tell you, a relaxed muscle is a faster and more agile muscle. You have to be in a relaxed state for high performance, so when the listener helps the speaker relax — by practicing inquiry — higher performance is naturally achieved.
What listening challenges do you face in your work? We would love to hear your comments.
21 Responses to Russell Bishop Editor of the Huffington Post on Listening
EXACTLY! Ironically, as your listening skills improve, so will your aptitude for conversation. A friend of my partner once complimented me on my conversational skills. I hadn’t said more than four words, but I had listened to him for 25 minutes.
A common saying refers to an inability “to see the forest for the trees”. Sometimes people pay such close attention to detail, that they miss the overall meaning or context of a situation. So I say you can be too good of a listener as well!
More attention is usually paid to making people better speakers or writers (the “supply side” of the communication chain) rather than on making them better listeners or readers (the “demand side”). The most direct way to improve communication is by learning to listen more effectively. Thanks for this VERY valuable post.
These ideas may help you get beyond your frustrations and improve not just your work but also your personal life.
I really like the thought of inquiry. Another thought might be, after you ask questions, paraphrase their point to make sure you didn’t misunderstand. Start with: “So you’re saying…”
Absolutely! Checking for understanding is a critical key to truly listening – which, of course, requires listening to understand. I’m a big fan of checking, and then checking again. Thanks for adding this comment.
Nearly every aspect of human life could be improved by better listening — from family matters to corporate business affairs to international relations.
When I grew up, a lot of people especially my dad used to tell
Me listen. Now at 22, after three years people seek advices from me. Needless to say most of the time ther already have the answer. Listening is not simple and certainly requires a lot if practice. However, the reward is so powerful making the effort almost insignificant!
Most of us are terrible listeners. We’re such poor listeners, in fact, that we don’t know how much we’re missing.
thanks a lot for the tips, but i forget all when speaking to anyone. Now I will try to follow the tips
Great advice, to which I’d add, don’t get defensive. Keep an open mind as to why your partner should feel a certain way about your behaviours, and ask yourself if they have a point. Most people would go on the defensive and try to justify their behaviours. Occasionally that will be the appropriate thing to do, but sometimes, it isn’t. And what is good behaviour 100% of the time is to accept that your partner has a grievance. Grievances have to be dealt with, not ignored
Not that I’m all that good at this next piece of advice, so take this with the proverbial grain of salt: it can be quite effective to respond to the person who is feeling aggrieved with something along the lines of “I’ll bet it’s even worse than that. What else am I missing?” This is a form of verbal aikido that can serve to both deepen the communication as well as deepen the relationship.
very helpful thank you. I have just started a course in counselling and listening course and i am fully enjoying it, this article has helped me to understand the topic even more.
Thank you
this is very helpful thank you
Amazing thoughts and interview. Listening is arguably one of the most important skills to have in today’s complex world. Families need good listening to face complicated stresses together. Corporate employees need it to solve complex problems quickly and stay competitive. Students need it to understand complex issues in their fields. Much can be gained by improving listening skills.
I loved the chapter on being the “corporate firefighter.” Great book Russell!
Hi Nia: thanks for the kind comments. Indeed, the fire fighter/arsonist connection is an important one to understand. Best to you!
Good book. It inspires to me “just get it done”.
I’m an avid reader of productivity books and this one was a goodie. It’s great to hear more from the author on this topic. Thanks guys.
Thanks for the helpful info, I am deployed in afghanistan and will be coming home next month. My wife is 3 months pregnant and were always fighting and i went to combat stress an they have help me a lot to dealing with how to speak open end of questions and told me to look into active lessening. again thank you so much and god bless
Hey Fritzie: first of all, thanks for your service! When you have the time, take a look at my website (www.russellbishop.com) and surf through the various blog posts there – you may find some nuggets that can be helpful as well. Let me know if I can help in any way.
Best to you,
RB